Yesterday was National Dog Day.
Needless to say, I was not pleased when Motha announced this as she was getting ready to go do werk things. I almost launched myself at the little mongrel in fury at this horrific comment until I heard my Fatha say that it would be a good idea to give Shadow extra treats after his morning walk in order to celebrate. That sent me into a fit of rage. I saw nothing but red!
How could they do such a thing. Honestly! The dog deserves nothing but a few slams to the head with a crowbar! He smells, he's stupid, he's useless, he craps outside, he doesn't clean himself and he's a DOG!
If they were going to give him extra treats, then they leave me no choice but to retaliate.
Sure, I got extra treats when it was National Cat Day...it should have been National Cat Week, but that's another story. However, I am an outstanding creature! They don't call me Princess Amazing for nothing!
I haven't completely decided what my retaliation should be. I mean, I could go with the usual things such as: peeing on the carpet and blaming it on the dog, sneak kamikaze attacks to his head from the kitchen counter (don't worry, I always survive), mixing some tranquilizers into his water bowl (FUNNY!), etc...
For this one, I think I need to punish them all.
Yes, they should all be punished for taking part in this repulsive "dog holiday"....
Welp! I've decided!
I will not sleep on Motha's and Fatha's head tonight! Instead, I will sleep under the bed and hide until the day is over.
This will also allow me to whisper scary things to the dog (he sleeps on the foot of the bed like a moron.)
I might even launch night attacks and wake them all up!
Ah, this is gonna be GREAT!
Happy National Dog Day to Shelby!!
Looking out the window
Ah, a glorious morning lounging in front of my window, looking at the amazing scenery. The green grass, blue skies, pretty flower friends swaying in the winds, my reflection in the glass...why, hello sexy Shelby!
Unfortunately, there are horrific sights as well...ugly birds, stupid neighbors walking their even stupider dogs and the scary garbage monster eating truck that comes once a week. I'm hoping one day that the scary garbage monster eating truck will accidentally swallow up the useless, piece of shit, loser dog. Except the dog is so revolting that he'd probably spit him back out.
I usually fall asleep while staring out the window. Sometimes, I wake up to find the loser dog laying next to me. He usually takes the opportunity of my sleeping to come and sit by me. I wouldn't mind it if 1. He didn't smell like shit, 2. He didn't get so uncomfortably close to me, and 3. He was dead.
The only pleasure I get out of sitting next to the dog is that I can torment him. I like to tell him things that get him fired up. He gets so worked up over the smallest things. For instance, if I tell him there is some one outside, he starts barking like a moron. This happens every single time one of the stupid neighbors walks by. Treats forbid they are walking one of their useless dogs, he goes completely mental! You'd think he'd want to make friends with his fellow scum-sucking dogs!
Then, I might mention that I see Motha and Fatha.....this one is great! The insanity really sets in if he thinks Motha and Fatha are home. It's probably because the entire time they are gone he is convinced that they are dead and never coming back....I may or may not (I do) solidify these fears in his head by agreeing that he will never see them again. Don't judge me! It's hysterical!
If in fact my parents do come home, the second he sees their car, his tail starts to flail about like a windmill on a breezy day...he jumps up and down, his front paws clamoring down on the ground. He can't control his excitement...sometimes he pees a little and then I have to run away as fast as possible to avoid any of the toxic liquid from touching my precious, pristine fur.
Luckily, today he has not realized that I am sitting by the window. So therefore, I will enjoy these wonderful moments alone and hope that the dog somehow got outside and that the scary garbage monster eating truck is hungry for a little dog that smells like shit.
Unfortunately, there are horrific sights as well...ugly birds, stupid neighbors walking their even stupider dogs and the scary garbage monster eating truck that comes once a week. I'm hoping one day that the scary garbage monster eating truck will accidentally swallow up the useless, piece of shit, loser dog. Except the dog is so revolting that he'd probably spit him back out.
I usually fall asleep while staring out the window. Sometimes, I wake up to find the loser dog laying next to me. He usually takes the opportunity of my sleeping to come and sit by me. I wouldn't mind it if 1. He didn't smell like shit, 2. He didn't get so uncomfortably close to me, and 3. He was dead.
The only pleasure I get out of sitting next to the dog is that I can torment him. I like to tell him things that get him fired up. He gets so worked up over the smallest things. For instance, if I tell him there is some one outside, he starts barking like a moron. This happens every single time one of the stupid neighbors walks by. Treats forbid they are walking one of their useless dogs, he goes completely mental! You'd think he'd want to make friends with his fellow scum-sucking dogs!
Then, I might mention that I see Motha and Fatha.....this one is great! The insanity really sets in if he thinks Motha and Fatha are home. It's probably because the entire time they are gone he is convinced that they are dead and never coming back....I may or may not (I do) solidify these fears in his head by agreeing that he will never see them again. Don't judge me! It's hysterical!
If in fact my parents do come home, the second he sees their car, his tail starts to flail about like a windmill on a breezy day...he jumps up and down, his front paws clamoring down on the ground. He can't control his excitement...sometimes he pees a little and then I have to run away as fast as possible to avoid any of the toxic liquid from touching my precious, pristine fur.
Luckily, today he has not realized that I am sitting by the window. So therefore, I will enjoy these wonderful moments alone and hope that the dog somehow got outside and that the scary garbage monster eating truck is hungry for a little dog that smells like shit.
The front door leads to treats!!
On my down times from werk things I enjoy sitting by the front door in the hallway. You know, monitoring thing, making sure no stranger enters my home without my permission.
Of course there are other perks to sitting in the middle of the hallway by the door.
Since its right near the kitchen and that is where they hide my delectable treat morsels, I am able to run after my parents when they walk in there! I make sure to get as close to their feet as possible so that they don't get far. Sometimes, they trip over me but I disregard it and continue to chase after them!
Usually it takes a few minutes of coercing before they give em up. They like it when I rub my fur all over their clothes, really rubbing it in so that its permeated in there. Especially their dark clothes, unleash my fur all over those suckers!
All usually goes well except for the stupid moron, aka the dog, who always follows us into the kitchen as well because he is a needy, jealous little prick.
However, they make him sit, lay down, give his gross paw and begs for his repulsive poor excuses for treats.
Ha! I only have to sit there and look gorgeous...and maybe rub on their pants again!
Sometimes I even tease them with a quiet "meow"....I don't do that often because I see how happy it makes my parents. We can't have too much happiness going on now!!
If I didn't love my treats as much as I do, then I would have the dog "play" dead and give him one of mine.
Except I'd really kill him... Hmmm....that would be a win-win for Shelby!! Killing the dog and still having my treats. Ahhh...that'd be great!!
Unfortunately, that can't happen since I need him to torture and it provides me with great amusement!
Got to go! I hear Motha headed for the kitchen AND she's wearing freshly washed black pants! Those need some Shelby fur on them immediately!
Since its right near the kitchen and that is where they hide my delectable treat morsels, I am able to run after my parents when they walk in there! I make sure to get as close to their feet as possible so that they don't get far. Sometimes, they trip over me but I disregard it and continue to chase after them!
Usually it takes a few minutes of coercing before they give em up. They like it when I rub my fur all over their clothes, really rubbing it in so that its permeated in there. Especially their dark clothes, unleash my fur all over those suckers!
All usually goes well except for the stupid moron, aka the dog, who always follows us into the kitchen as well because he is a needy, jealous little prick.
However, they make him sit, lay down, give his gross paw and begs for his repulsive poor excuses for treats.
Ha! I only have to sit there and look gorgeous...and maybe rub on their pants again!
Sometimes I even tease them with a quiet "meow"....I don't do that often because I see how happy it makes my parents. We can't have too much happiness going on now!!
If I didn't love my treats as much as I do, then I would have the dog "play" dead and give him one of mine.
Except I'd really kill him... Hmmm....that would be a win-win for Shelby!! Killing the dog and still having my treats. Ahhh...that'd be great!!
Unfortunately, that can't happen since I need him to torture and it provides me with great amusement!
Got to go! I hear Motha headed for the kitchen AND she's wearing freshly washed black pants! Those need some Shelby fur on them immediately!
No scratches?! No pretzels!!
Realizing that my Motha has decided to be useless yet again,
I am deciding to give her a taste of her own medicine.
There are several
reasons why Shelby needs Motha: Food. Drink. Litter box. Treats. Catnip.
Scratches. Kill the dog (she fails). Oasis.
She has chosen to do only two things correctly today... (food
and drink)
That's probably due in part to the fact that I am probably being
punished for spitting in her mouth last night while she slept. Fatha usually
takes care of cleaning my litter...he's great! They both switch back and forth
for the treats, catnip and scratches duties.
Anywhoo....today I was running my morning marathon
downstairs, chasing the things that aren't there. The invisible things led me
upstairs and I stopped for a moment to take a drink from Father's left-over
shower water. (Dont knock it til you try it!)
...that's when I saw Motha
rubbing the retard, useless, disgusting dog's belly and scratching his ears. I
mean, honestly!! She expects me to allow her to scratch me with those dog
infested hands?! Hell no bitch! She fails again!!
So now I will put the dogs stinky chew toy in her lunchbox,
right next to her salty pretzel treats. No, wait...I'm taking those!
Hah!
Happy Motha's Day!
What the hell is Motha's day? I mean honestly, the loser dog just sprung this news upon Shelby. Apparently, he was watching Sunday morning cartoons and a commercial came on saying it was Motha's day.
Was I supposed to get Motha something? Because I didn't. And I won't. She doesn't need anything! She has me, Shelby, Princess Amazing!
What she does need is for the dog to be dead. Actually, we all need that.
Here are some gifts I give Motha on a daily basis:
-I'm amazing.
-I keep the dog in check.
-I allow her to pet me on occasion.
-I don't let her leave the house without me rubbing my fur on her clothes (I mean, how else would she find her way home?)
-I'm amazing.
-I chase the things that aren't there.
-I allow her to sleep in my bed.
-I pay the mortgage!
-I'm amazing.
And so you have it. Those are just some of the reasons why Motha is lucky to have Shelby. Therefore, she doesn't need anything else. I could go on forever, explaining why I'm such an outstanding Shelby, but...I must clean myself for a couple hours and then sleep for several more.
Happy Motha's Day!
Captured in the dark underground room.
At roughly 13:34 hours, I received a notice from an unnamed source that we would soon be under attack. My source told me that the vacuum monster was planning my demise.
Quickly, I gathered my arsenal of weapons: giant furball, a shank made from a melted plastic treat bag and a greanade assembled out of pieces of Motha's jewerly that I found which were already broken because I didn't break them.
With my weapons strapped to my back, I escaped down the stairs to the dark place which houses all of the delicious spiders.
Unfortunately, the dog followed me down the stairs, begging me to play with him. Someone please remind me to hide a hand greanade in one of his repulsive and slobbered-on squeaky toys.
Motha saw stupid run down the stairs and grabbed him. She doesn't like him going down there because that's where she stores his disgusting and poor excuse for food. When he does get to the dark underground room, he manages to get into the bag and creates quite the mess. I egg him on usually. It's fun to watch the little shitface get into trouble!!
Once I saw her grab stupid and take him upstairs, I ran to my secret hiding spot. Then I saw something horrible happen. My idiot Motha closed the door!!
I ran to the door, leaving my weapons behind. It was closed. I was trapped. No food, no water, no cat litter...and most importantly, no catnip.
Using my back paws, I tried to donkey kick the door open. Didn't work!! Then, I tried to jump up to the handle thing...missed and crashed to the floor! I started to lose hope!
After attempting to claw and knaw my way out....I finally realized that I wouldn't be able to get out of this situation alone.
I would need help.
And...it pains me to say that the dog was the only one who could help me.
I put my ear to the door to make sure the scary vacuum monster was finished sucking up my hard work of fur balls in the rugs, carpets and furniture.
All was silent.
I then called for the dumbass mongrel.
"Stupid!", I shouted, "want to play with Shelby?!"
In about 2 seconds flat, I heard the panting of the dog which was quickly followed by scratching at the door.
After a few minutes of me tempting the dog to "come to the dark underground room and eat some 'hungries"....as Motha calls his food, I heard footsteps. Fatha must have heard the dog scratching and barking at the door to the dark underground room.
Moments later, I heard my Fatha ask the dog what he was barking at. Then, he obediently followed the dogs wishes and opened the door.
The dog ran downstairs and I ran past them both as fast as my sexy, toned legs could take me.
Then some more moments later, I was able to sit back and relax while the dog got yelled at by Motha for making a mess of his hungries downstairs and then watch as Fatha also got yelled at by Motha for letting stupid go downstairs.
Horray!!
Now time to find a squeaky toy and make good use out of my greanade.
First came Shelby, then came marriage?!
Motha broke some life-changing news to the dog (aka asshole) and I today.
They're getting married.
As usual, I was left in the dark about this. Literally, I was in the bedroom closet when I overheard her talking on the phone to our mutual acquaintance Elizabeth.
In reality, she didn't so much as break the news to us....as we were in the closet and I was standing on the dogs head to reach Mommy's new purse she bought for ME yet for some reason tried hiding from me on the top shelf that I can't get to...bitch!!!
I heard her come into my bedroom and start talking just as I was about to reach the purse, my claws digging into his scalp, drawing out droplets of blood.
Being the savvy multitasker that is Shelby, I ordinarily am able to listen in on conversations like this while preforming other necessary tasks.
Unfortunately, at that moment of my almost reaching my new purse, the dog began to weep and was making it difficult for me to hear their conversation.
I jumped down off his head, relieving him from the anguish that my freshly manicured claws were causing.
Shoving my ear to the door, I eavesdropped....I mean listened.
Apparently, Daddy bought Mommy a pretty sparkly finger ornament. (I'll have to investigate this thing later!)
Then he got down on one knee and asked him to make him the happiest man in the universe.
That was obviously a lie! Stupid idiot that is my Motha fell for it. Little does she know it was when I, Shelby, Princess Amazing entered their lives that made BOTH of them the happiest creatures in the entire planet plus where God lives! That place is great!
She said Yes and then they cried and hugged and kissed (gross!)
This means that they are getting married and will have a wedding.
Going to have to Google those two words later!!
Then she told Elizabeth that she needs to find a dress. A wedding dress. What in cat-nation does she need a new dress for? The woman has tons of them! Plus, now I will have to rub up against a new dress, leaving my scent on it and that takes some time to accomplish! At least three months!!
I wonder what Shelby would look like in a wedding dress...
This weekend they plan on going to see some venues as they will be getting married soon.
I wonder what I will wear for the ceremony. Hmmmmm.......
As I continued to listen in on Motha's conversation, the dog kept begging me to tell him what was going on. I knew that this wouldn't be good. He's a moron and doesn't understand the magnitude of what is happening. Actually, I don't really understand what is happening.
Despite my better judgement, I told the shit-stain (I mean shih tzu) what I heard.
"Well useless, Motha and Fatha are getting married," I said bitterly.
"Really Celery! They are!" The dog enthusiastically replied with his stupid lisp. At that point the blood was starting to dry on his head and the tears had stained his already repulsive fur. I decided to ignore the fact that he once again mispronounced my name and did not address me correctly as "Princess Amazing."
His excitement quickly turned into confusion, as it usually does. He began to ask me a slew of unnecessary questions. "What's married", "What is Mommy saying?", "Are we are going somewhere?", "Does this mean I will get a treat?"
In order to save myself from this torture, I pulled out me cell-phone and searched the meaning of this nonsense.
Apparently, they are legally joining as a couple and then will have a party. That's great!! They're going to have drinks and cake! I love cake! It's almost better than catnip! Makes me vibrate with excitement!
The second I explained this to asshole, he started jumping up and down, crying tears of joy, replacing his confusion with happiness. As you can imagine, this pissed me off and I punched him in the stomach. Watching him fall to the ground, I started to feel some happiness myself. Nice for Shelby. Bad for the dog.
At this point, I heard Motha exit the room and I released the dog. He went happily running to Motha, already forgetting everything that transpired in the closet.
Shit! I just realized that I never made it to my new purse!!! What the litter box!
"Oh....dog!"
They're getting married.
As usual, I was left in the dark about this. Literally, I was in the bedroom closet when I overheard her talking on the phone to our mutual acquaintance Elizabeth.
In reality, she didn't so much as break the news to us....as we were in the closet and I was standing on the dogs head to reach Mommy's new purse she bought for ME yet for some reason tried hiding from me on the top shelf that I can't get to...bitch!!!
I heard her come into my bedroom and start talking just as I was about to reach the purse, my claws digging into his scalp, drawing out droplets of blood.
Being the savvy multitasker that is Shelby, I ordinarily am able to listen in on conversations like this while preforming other necessary tasks.
Unfortunately, at that moment of my almost reaching my new purse, the dog began to weep and was making it difficult for me to hear their conversation.
I jumped down off his head, relieving him from the anguish that my freshly manicured claws were causing.
Shoving my ear to the door, I eavesdropped....I mean listened.
Apparently, Daddy bought Mommy a pretty sparkly finger ornament. (I'll have to investigate this thing later!)
Then he got down on one knee and asked him to make him the happiest man in the universe.
That was obviously a lie! Stupid idiot that is my Motha fell for it. Little does she know it was when I, Shelby, Princess Amazing entered their lives that made BOTH of them the happiest creatures in the entire planet plus where God lives! That place is great!
She said Yes and then they cried and hugged and kissed (gross!)
This means that they are getting married and will have a wedding.
Going to have to Google those two words later!!
Then she told Elizabeth that she needs to find a dress. A wedding dress. What in cat-nation does she need a new dress for? The woman has tons of them! Plus, now I will have to rub up against a new dress, leaving my scent on it and that takes some time to accomplish! At least three months!!
I wonder what Shelby would look like in a wedding dress...
This weekend they plan on going to see some venues as they will be getting married soon.
I wonder what I will wear for the ceremony. Hmmmmm.......
As I continued to listen in on Motha's conversation, the dog kept begging me to tell him what was going on. I knew that this wouldn't be good. He's a moron and doesn't understand the magnitude of what is happening. Actually, I don't really understand what is happening.
Despite my better judgement, I told the shit-stain (I mean shih tzu) what I heard.
"Well useless, Motha and Fatha are getting married," I said bitterly.
"Really Celery! They are!" The dog enthusiastically replied with his stupid lisp. At that point the blood was starting to dry on his head and the tears had stained his already repulsive fur. I decided to ignore the fact that he once again mispronounced my name and did not address me correctly as "Princess Amazing."
His excitement quickly turned into confusion, as it usually does. He began to ask me a slew of unnecessary questions. "What's married", "What is Mommy saying?", "Are we are going somewhere?", "Does this mean I will get a treat?"
In order to save myself from this torture, I pulled out me cell-phone and searched the meaning of this nonsense.
Apparently, they are legally joining as a couple and then will have a party. That's great!! They're going to have drinks and cake! I love cake! It's almost better than catnip! Makes me vibrate with excitement!
The second I explained this to asshole, he started jumping up and down, crying tears of joy, replacing his confusion with happiness. As you can imagine, this pissed me off and I punched him in the stomach. Watching him fall to the ground, I started to feel some happiness myself. Nice for Shelby. Bad for the dog.
At this point, I heard Motha exit the room and I released the dog. He went happily running to Motha, already forgetting everything that transpired in the closet.
Shit! I just realized that I never made it to my new purse!!! What the litter box!
"Oh....dog!"
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