For instance, the constant reek of shit coming from the dog's ass or the fact that my tail almost always lands its stupid self in my water dish or even the rare times mommy forgets to keep the bathroom door open when she's in there.
Today, I discovered something that....well...I just dont know if i will ever be able to forgive.
You see, while I was going through my mommy's purse, I mistakenly started to eat some crunchy thing that seemed to be a piece of old gum. I began to choke and threw her purse across the room in anger. Luckily it hit the dog in the head. I exploded into a fit of laughter which caused the gum to come flying out (also hitting the asshole in the head.) Win/win for Shelby!!
The dog started to cry and flutter about, trying to get the gum out of his fur. I had to get a video of this to share with all my friends who are what my mommy calls "imaginary"...what's imaginary? Anywaaaaay. I grabbed motha's cell phone friend and saw that she had left her Instagram page open. Of course I had to go through it and take a look around. I was curious because I don't follow her on Instagram. Why don't I follow her you ask? Well, quite honestly...that bitch doesn't need to be all up in my business!
She posts some really boring shit! I mean, photos of herself, the loser dog, quotes that make NO sense! There are some delightful photos of Shelby. She gets ten points for each of those times seventy million!! As I stared at the photos of myself, admiring how sexy and slender I am, I saw a hashtag that made every bone in my wonderfully sleek body quiver in anger!
#NamedMyCatAfterACar
(If you don't believe me, click here for PROOF!)WHAT THE CAT LITTER DOES THAT MEAN?!
You named me after a car? A car? Really? A hunk of metal which assists you in transporting me in the portable holding cell! I mean, I haven't been this upset in AGES! ....well not since yesterday afternoon when the dog sat with me on the couch and I kicked him off....don't worry, he landed on his head.
Since I was already named Princess Amazing by myself from birth, the name "Shelby", which my motha gave me, must really be the name of a car.
Google-ing "Shelby", here's what I found:
(Not a bad looking car...)
Okay, so in her defense, she could have chosen to name me something stupid like "scrum" after the Mazda Scrum Wagon. It would be an offense that could only be punishable by death. So, good choice, motha! You get to live another day (for now!)What really angers me is that I was under the impression that I was the one and only Shelby! She tells me that I'm her Shelby...so what does that mean? Are there other Shelbys out there?!
I dug a little deeper and found out that this car was actually named after a man named Carroll Shelby who invented the metal box thing that mommy loves so much. I read that Mr. Shelby passed away last year, which is good luck for him since I would have had to kill him. There can only be ONE Shelby...and that is me: Shelby, Princess Amazing.
Perhaps one day I will forgive motha for this...but until then...I will cruise around in my imaginary Shelby GT500....seriously, what's imaginary?!
