Well Hello. My name
is Princess Amazing. My motha calls me
Shelby. I'm not quite sure why or what that even means, but,
anywhoo!
I live with a dog, an unbelievable nightmare, yes I know. Well, in reality, the nightmare is more his than mine. You see I choose to let him live as it is much more fun to
torment him than to end his misery and spit on his dead lifeless body.
Why now, we are getting off on the wrong foot.
You must think I am a murderous, blood thirsty, ravenous
killer.
Well I am.
Regardless of that fact, allow me to first tell you more
about myself.
I was born on a sunny spring day to this huge, stupid, fat
beast! There were eight of us in the litter, and after a few
months, only two survived. (Do you
wonder who took care of that?!) I decided to keep my "sister" around. I needed a sidekick and she was a lot smaller
than me so I figured she wouldn't be eating much of my food. Which by the way, repulsive! Who in their right mind wants
to drink milk out of that cow?
Back to my "sister"...she was a terrible sidekick. She is the entire reason we were kicked out of the house! Instead of hiding the corpses of our "brothers"
and "sisters", the stupid idiot, stood over them crying and trying to
bring them back to life. I mean, honestly! The nerve of that puny twit! Needless to say I was caught red clawed, I mean
literally. I was caught with their blood
on my claws. Didn't have enough time to bury the bodies & clean up.
But, being kicked out, forced into portable holding cell
cages & left at the doors of some prison camp animal shelter turned out to
be the best thing that could have happened to me.
I was a bit claustrophobic in that thing they called a cage,
so I maneuvered myself until I was freed. Also, it was mid-winter by that time and I feared being
frozen to death. If I'm going to go down, it’s not going to be as a Popsicle
kitty.
In trying to help that useless "sister" of mine
get out of hers, the warden opened the door, found us and brought us in. While I attempted to get a good whack at her jugular as she scooped
me up and brought me inside, I only managed a scrape on her face.
A scar that will
remind her of the terror that is I, forever!!
Ahkay! Back to the story of Shelby…
It didn't take me long to get a run of the place. It was hard at first to have the pitbulls succumb
to my ruling. But a few scratches behind the ears, some ammonia in their eyes
and voila! They were mine!
My days at the prison camp were utterly amazing. Not only did I have full access to all of the tasty morsels,
these moronic humans call "treats" but I was able to come and go as I
pleased, lounge around and wreak as much havoc on as many creatures as I saw
fit.
Nowadays, I am limited to the amount of these
"treats" because my mommy thinks I'm chubby. Wonder if she ever took a glance at the enormous behind
she's carrying around! Christ!
I'm also limited in the amount of havoc I'm able to wreak. Usually, it’s just me and the loser.
Who is the loser, you ask?
Well, it’s the dog. I'll tell you more about him someday, when I feel the need! For now, just know that he is stupid, idiotic, useless, piece of furry shit that I am forced to
"play nice" & share my home with. I mean really now, I pay the mortgage! .....What's a mortgage?
Ah yes, back to my glory days at the camp.
There were many times I wondered what it would feel like to leave the prison and venture out on the outside world. Of course, the one time I mustered up enough courage to take a peak outside the back door of my prison, I was hit in the face with a drop of water from an icile hanging above. This angered me to my very core, as most things do. Therefore, I released my anger on the closest specimen I could find; a cream colored gerbil that had escaped from its holding cell. The bash on his head with my baton served him right for somehow making it out of his cage!
All was going well until that one day. A day I will never forget. I was sleeping nicely in my master suite. Before retiring for the evening, I had run full-speed for about 45 minutes trying to catch something that was there. No really, it was there! I saw it! .......anywhoo!
I had just started to dream about chasing the red dot light thing, when I was captured!! Thrown into a box, brought to a dark room and drugged! The world was fading fast, I thought it would be the end of Princess Amazing.
Of course, that bitch of a "sister" was to blame! She had seen my power and wanted it for herself!
As I fought the overwhelming feeling of fatigue, I remember seeing a tall, crooked, no-fur on his head man come in with a knife! The fear was too much for my slowly weakening body. After a valiant attempt at staying awake, everything went dark and I passed out.
At last, I woke up! I thought I had died. The room was white and I felt nothing from the neck down. Slowly, sensation started to trickle back into my body and I realized I was alive. I immediately felt around to see what damage these assholes had caused. There was a wound on my tummy and I felt emptier inside.
Finally, I realized that those pricks had stolen one of my interior goods to sell on the black market!! Escape is all I know! I'm good at it but it took extra effort that day.
Once I made it back to my master suite, I resolved that I would seek revenge for my stolen interior goods. Not sure what they were! But I will seek revenge!!
The next few weeks went by in a flash! I had interrogated each and every one of the disgusting creatures that were trapped in my prison camp. They each denied and proclaimed their allegiance to my reign.
My "sister" who at this point, I disowned, told me that she too, had suffered the same scenario as I. Unfortunately for her, I don't give a shit about anyone else! She got a good swift kick in the face when she started to cry and begged me for a hug. Ugh! Emotions! Go away.
Things seemed to go back to normal; the dogs cowered in the corner when I walked by, the other feline specimens gave me their share of food, even the ugly human servants went about their business of keeping my prison in order. It was as if nothing happened.
Then, I remember one beautiful morning, the sun was shining,
the birds were chirping and the smell of treats lingered in the air. I had just finished grooming myself for four hours, when
all-of-a-sudden this blonde tall creature came in and spotted me.
She looked a lot like me, so I was intrigued. She had large, green eyes and a
fantastic facial structure. What she
lacked in fur she had in beauty. I said to myself at that moment: "Princess Amazing,
this is your real mommy!" Besides her lack of fur, I swear we could be twins!
The rest is a magical story which I will save for you the next time I decide to grace you with my presence.
Until then, feel free to join me in my wonderful universe of Facebook and Twitter!
